Dear Body,
It’s been a while since I’ve really acknowledged you. Scratch that…it’s been a while since I’ve given you the attention you need and deserve. I’ve been sitting here looking at photos of you when you were thinner and WOW! You worked so very hard to get to that place and I know you truly felt like yourself for the very first time. It was amazing, right? Do you remember?
Last year was a hard year for me mentally and while I know that wasn’t the only time I neglected you, I’m finally coming around to giving you more thought and energy.
It makes me so sad to look back at photos of you and remember how I felt. There were many times where all I could think about was making you smaller and keeping you smaller. I couldn’t even appreciate how far you’d come. Yes I’d think about it sometimes, but it was usually a passing thought just to remind myself that you weren’t big…or at least not as big as you used to be.
Instead of feeling proud of you or enjoying you, I would just find comfort in remembering that you were still far away from where you were in the past and that was enough for the moment. Now as I sit here and you are bigger than you’ve possibly ever been, I feel ashamed. Not ashamed as in “how did this happen…you’re disgusting”, but ashamed that I didn’t appreciate you all of those years. I was happy and content with you for a couple of years before I started trying to change you again. Every time a little bit of weight was gained, I was onto the next thing to get you back to the smallest size.
It makes me so sad that in order to be SEEN, I had to make you SMALL. Of course there is more to it like the health benefits, how I feel physically etc, but when you really think about it, that’s what I had to do. So many things about my life changed and were different when you were smaller. Now that you’re big again, people don’t see us the same way. Now that you’re big again, people don’t respect you the way they used to, show pride in you, compliment you or feel inspired by you. You are the same body holding the same person, but your size has changed the way the world views you and that shouldn’t be.
Today happens to be Thanksgiving and I thought I would take this time to tell you that I am GRATEFUL for you. Yes I said it…I am grateful. You may not be exactly how I’d like you to be and you are certainly not what the rest of the world wants you to be, but fuck everyone else. There is so much that most people who see you don’t know.
You have gotten me through SIX surgeries (4 being MAJOR SURGERY and 1 as an infant) and protected me and helped me heal. You have gotten me through countless procedures, kept me strong through all of the weight loss (and gain) over the years. You deal with chronic pain every day that has NOTHING to do with your size (though people would assume it is due to that) and you still get up, go to work and participate in life to the best of your ability.
In saying all of this, I can’t hide the fact that I do want you to be smaller. I can’t lie and say that I am happy that you’re big again or that I’d be happy if you never got smaller. BUT…I just want you to be healthy and I want things to be easier, simpler. I do not HATE you the way that I have over the years. How can I hate you when you clearly LOVE me and have done so much to keep me safe and keep me alive. I want you to be smaller to HONOR you, to show you that I LOVE you back.
Today as we go into Thanksgiving, THANK YOU for loving me, THANK YOU for all you do for me every day and everything you’ve done for me since day ONE! I LOVE YOU!
Sincerely,
Valerie