Thanksgiving 2022 is in the books…Christmas is on its way. We are firmly entrenched in what many espouse to be the happiest time of the year. But for some of us, happiness can be elusive, for a variety of reasons, some external, others more organic. Allow me to explain.
When I was a junior in college, my father passed after an excruciating battle with esophageal cancer. Our world was shattered, and I can remember thinking that I would never be happy again. But it’s true what they say, time heals all wounds. One day, on my morning drive to Lona College, I heard someone singing along with the song on the radio. It took me off guard until I realized that it was me….after all….I was the only one in the car….nothing got by me. And then, as if it was a reflex response, I abruptly caught myself and stopped.
How could I be singing at a time like this, my father was dead, and what do I do….I sing, and off pitch at that. How disrespectful can a person be….that was what I thought. And this, my friends, was my first experience with these self imposed periods of mourning. I was intentionally denying myself happiness, because I thought it was appropriate, even required to prove that I acknowledged the loss I had experienced.
This chronic period of volitional sadness was only magnified when my twin daughters were diagnosed with severe autism. When I wrote Worn Like A Badge, about my daughters, I talk about my sadness ” Grief is like a thief…it has stolen my piece of mind, robbed us of the life we imagined, it is binding my limbs….it has instilled in me a fear that I could never have imagined. It is wherever I look, and I am afraid.
Pretty freakin prolific..if I do say so myself.
And if I said I feel any different today, I would surely be lying.
However, the more reasonable and rational part of my brain, as miniscule as it may be, reminds me that I cannot live my life in this endless servitude to sadness. Unfortunately, this need to focus on happiness has often proved to be quite a difficult task. In the twenty plus years since my girl’s diagnosis, these bouts of sadness have bubbled up to the surface more times than I can count. And once again, the recurring theme seems to be..how can I be happy when I have so many reasons to be sad.
An incident that stands out in my memory was one occasion when my brother was riding with me in my car. He went to turn my radio on and found the station set to National Public Radio. That was the only setting. No music, just Brian Lehrer…all day….all the time. Nothing says killjoy quite like nonprofit journalism with a mission, am I right ? My brother turned to me, in his typically nurturing way, with a disgusted expression on his face, and said “get with the fucking program, would you.”
So I did. Fake it till you Make it was my new motto. I had often been told that I had the keen ability to be a convincing actress….in other areas….that we will not discuss today. So, I decided to use those skills for the greater good. I made a concerted effort to choose happiness, whenever it was available. Trust me when I say, I have some award winning performances under my belt. Meryl Streep’s got nothing on me.
And, you’ll be happy to know that I deleted the NPR app from my phone and replaced it with TLC, because a little 90 Day Fiance never hurt anybody.
So, if you come across a gray haired, messy bun wearing baby boomers… blasting 80’s dance music in their late model minivan… just carry on… nothing to see here.