Dear Dad,
6/1/2019
Today I had planned to sleep in, go to the salon to get my hair done in the afternoon, and then maybe run some errands afterwards but instead, I found out you died and my life changed forever. You and your terrible timing for everything (always) once again messed things up. As much as I want to believe that I’m at peace with your passing, it still hurts and has taken me on an unexpected rollercoaster of emotions that I’m not happy to have to go through, especially during this time in my life.
So, since we never really had the best of relationships before your death, I’m hoping that somehow now you can guide and help me through the aftermath of what today means and all that is to follow. Writing to you about all that I’m experiencing sounds like the best way for us to be closer. I’m also looking to grief and heal together about all that was left unsaid and unaddressed from the past and we now have the opportunity to resolve and fully let go of.
Let me start by telling you how today went for me. As per my usual Saturday morning routine, I slept in. This particular Saturday though I had made an appointment at 1:30 pm to get my extremely embarrassing long gray roots colored at the nearby beauty school since it’s obviously much cheaper and I’m currently flat broke. For some bizarre reason, my phone started ringing nonstop around 11ish in the morning. It was not my usual phone ring so half awake I tried to get it to shut up but I couldn’t find which app was making that noise and hesitantly interrupting my precious sleep. I tried a few times to figure out what was ringing for but failed and opted to silence the damn phone altogether.
Then my 12:21pm alarm started, followed by the other 2 or 3 I set between then and 12:46pm. I finally decided to stop snoozing and jump in the shower but I saw a text that had come through from my brother. It said to call mom immediately on WhatsApp because she was trying to reach me. In the shower, as I quickly started to wake up and be human, I realized that the mysterious ringing from earlier must have been her calling on WhatsApp. Since she was supposed to be arriving in Barcelona today, I figured she was calling with one of her many friends to force me to awkwardly say hello as per usual.
I’m sure you probably don’t know but I suffer, amongst other things, from social anxiety and it’s hard for me to do that sort of stuff. I’ve battled this for years. It’s also worth mentioning that, as you do know, mom is very social and a great mother, so she tries to make me talk to people all the time to push me out of my comfort zone. I do appreciate that about her, although it’s frightening at times. I can’t explain how my social anxiety works exactly but it’s an everyday struggle I’m determined to keep fighting. To add more background info to this period of my life, I’m going through some other difficult things that have triggered my depression and anxiety which make me even more prone to retract from the world and keep to myself. Anyways, I’m definitely working on myself but it’s hard. Mom and my brother know and respect that, yet they try to help a lot.
Back to my day, I got out of the shower, got dressed really fast, and ran out the door to get to my hair appointment in time. On my way, I couldn’t get my brother’s text out of my mind. My brother knows me very well and if there is someone that I feel super safe with, that is him. I trust him completely, so if he said I had to call her, I had to call her. Still, I was debating whether to do it just to humor her and whoever it was she most likely wanted me to talk to from Barcelona… Something in my gut said to just call her and get it over with. I mean, it’s my mom and I love her, and I in fact reinstalled WhatsApp on my phone this week just so that she could get a hold of me while she was traveling in Europe.
To prep for the call, I listened to some of my fave songs on my way. This is one of my techniques for anxiety. I tend to listen to a couple of songs I love to calm down before or after an event that causes me anxiety. I arrived at my destination and parked 2 blocks away from the salon. Since I was surprisingly 15mins early and there was a Starbucks in the building I parked at, I decided to splurge and get myself a latte. My guilty conscience for not calling mom on my way to the salon was getting worse so I pulled my phone and headphones out and called her as I was getting in the door at Starbucks.
Mom immediately answered, at the exact same time as I was greeted, and asked what I wanted at the register. I’m a natural multi-tasker so I was able to greet both my mom and the barista at the same time and order my venti unsweetened iced latte with light ice and light milk while mom started talking about how her arrival in Barcelona went. I proceeded to stand by the pick-up counter when my mom’s tone started weirding me out. From “I haven’t slept for two days and had lunch with Charlie and Danny…” her story took a turn to “when I got here your family from Italy was blowing up my phone but they knew I was supposed to arrive in Italy on Thursday not today Saturday”. It was then when I got my latte and my heart started raising as I approached the condiments station. Something about her voice was not right. It was not exhaustion. I sensed hesitation, sadness and fear.
As she stopped talking about her lunch with Charlie and Danny and tried to segway into the next topic, her tone switched when she proceeded to say my uncle was calling to tell us what happened when he went to see you that morning. My heart was now beating even faster. I took a sip of my drink and put it down and I said “mom, just tell me where are you going with this?” In all honesty, I knew exactly where she was going with it and I was mortified. In hindsight, I feel bad for not appreciating her and wanting to rush her. She was about to say something she was obviously carefully choosing her words for since it was about to change my life. As I finished adding a little vanilla powder in my coffee, I began silently and desperately looking for courage between the half and half and stirrers. It was when I closed the lid and took a sip, that she hinted at it and confirmed what I was expecting. My poor mother had to find the strength to tell me the story of how my uncle found my dad on the floor of his place that morning. It was clear my dad was gone at that point yet my uncle called an ambulance. When help came and you were taken to the hospital, it was too late, as suspected. Apparently, all pointed to you having had a heart attack.
At this point of the story, I was crossing the street and had been mute the entire time my mom was talking. But it was then that I just started saying something along the lines of “wait, are you kidding me? Are you really for real now?” All of a sudden, I was not having it. For the first few minutes of the call, I was calmly preparing for her to hit me with the news of your death. Then when it was imminent and all said except “he is dead”… I simply stopped her and grabbed on to the tiny hope I saw as I reached the end of the crosswalk that maybe you had not died and were hopefully just in critical condition. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted nothing more than for you to be in critical condition because the alternative was getting to be too real for me.
I stopped bargaining with mom and with the story. I digested the reality of the fact that the story was not going to change its ending. The facts were the facts. My dad had just died of what seemed to have been a heart attack of sorts. I kept walking and listening to my mom. I became mute again. I also became numb. She kept talking and trying to justify your death. She told me about lots of health issues I didn’t know you had. I did know you were ill and had been suffering from several things for the past 2 decades but I had no idea you had prostate cancer or that a huge part of your intestines was recently taken out. I didn’t know you didn’t eat anymore. These new pieces of information hit me like a wall of brick. I was now very confused and a little guilty for not knowing about these.
I arrived at the salon and told the nice front desk lady my name. She found my reservation and told me to sit and wait for someone to come and get me. All this while my mom kept talking and I silently listened but not fully paying attention to what she was saying. I was in shock at that point. It was so much to take in that my brain couldn’t keep up. Tears started coming down my face as I sat in the waiting area and heard my mom’s voice through my headphones. All of a sudden, as I held my phone with one hand and wiped my tears with another, I felt the urge to text my good friend/roommate Cassy: “my dad just passed away”. I wanted to see it in writing. I guess I thought that would make it more real and get me out of my state of numbness, confusion and shock. As I texted with Cassy a couple of messages back and forth, my mom was talking about how tired she was and how my dad was resting and I was just kinda tuning in and out.
To make matters even more awkward, the student assigned to me came to grab me so I wiped my tears yet again. Still hearing my mom talk, I shook hands with the student, walked to her chair, sat down, got a cape and towel on, tried to answer some basic yes or no questions about my hair and she left to grab her teacher. My mom realized I had to take care of what was happening where I was and was gracious enough to let me interact with the student and the teacher who came over and started talking about how it was too much work to get what I needed done. My mom knew I did not want to hang up yet I had to do was I was told. And again my mom was sweet enough to put up with it.
I was taken to another station and another teacher started talking about what needed to be done to my hair. My mom was almost passing out yet she was trying to be there for her little girl. She was just so physically and emotionally exhausted that she was saying she was going to try and get some rest and call me later. I told her I loved her and that I was going to have my phone with me so that I could pick up next time she called. We hung up. I was going through the motions at that point. I still was talked at by both teachers who were clearly coming to the conclusion after yapping for a good 25mins that I was not going to be able to get the service I needed done then. They were mad at the front desk for scheduling me “so late” and were trying to offer other alternatives I was not understanding or ready to make a decision about right then. Again, I was in shock and pretty much mute. Once I realized I just had to check back in and get involved with the conversation, I told them I had a very important business meeting that following Tuesday evening so I needed my hair to look decent before then. They said they couldn’t do it on Monday or Tuesday either. The problem-solver in me instinctively took over and as the obnoxious teachers bitched about all the work my hair required, I called another beauty school, which was actually my favorite one. They very awesome and scheduled me for Tuesday morning without any issues. I took the cape and towels off and just left that wacky situation.
With my Starbucks in one hand and my phone on another, as I got out the door and started walking towards my car, it suddenly hit me that I no longer had a dad and that it was a permanent thing. Took out a cigarette on my way to my car and tried to calmly think about my next steps. Calling my brother was the logical thing to do next. He was tied up with his damn dogs as usual so he had to call me back. At this point I stared at my Starbucks sitting in my parked car and told myself I didn’t want to be alone so I called and texted a few of my close friends to see if anyone could meet up for a drink or something. I did not want to say why though. I did not want to announce to the world that my father had just died. I knew the second I started telling people it would become more real. No one answered except for one and she was not able to meet up. As I was driving halfway home, trying not to cry, my brother called me back. Finally! I’m always happy to hear from him but this time it was beyond awesome to get to talk to him. We calmly asked how the other was going and talked a little about what had happened and what we know so far. He said he had talked to my uncle and our cousin Mauro who were also trying to get a hold of me. I told him that I had not seen any calls come through from them but I would call them as soon as I got home.
As soon as I got me, I connected with Mauro, who spoke to me in Italian and I spoke to in Spanish. We spoke for a long time as I desperately wanted answers yet we couldn’t communicate as well as I wished. Despite the language barrier and the overwhelming sadness we clearly both felt, I did understand some things.
Once I hung up with Mauro, it was clear to me that I didn’t want to be alone. I sat on my bed and felt relief for you so in that moment. I then called a couple of my friends asking to get together but no one answered. All I wanted was not to be alone. I also wanted a hug so bad. I seriously needed a hug. I didn’t need pity or to dissect our relationship or your death with anyone. I just needed company and a hug. So since I couldn’t find a friend to hang out with, for the next 3-4hours I thought about you, our relationship, your life, and what your passing meant to me after having several hours to process it. I looked for photos of you, talked to my brother several times throughout the afternoon/evening, texted back and forth with a couple of friends and then wrote you a goodbye letter. These last things I did end up doing helped be so much. I was so at peace at that point with your passing. I was actually happy for you. I knew you were suffering physically and emotionally so you deserved to be freed from it all. I also felt serenity with us. I know I tried my best to get you to understand how much I loved, forgave and accepted you. I was proud to have at least tried to get you to feel better about that for the past 15 years or so.
Right now, I feel sadder for mom and my brother being sad than for myself losing you. Hope that doesn’t insult you. I still love you but it’s not as painful right now since I’m happy you are no longer suffering. Please understand.
So many mixed emotions… I just need a damn hug today.
6/2/2019
I had probably 1 ½ – 2hrs at best of sleep last night, well early this morning if we wanna get technical, but I was very much looking forward to having brunch with my friend Joan today at 1:30pm. I needed it so bad. I couldn’t wait to be with a friend I felt safe with, have her give me a nice big hug, finally get to talk about all that was going through my head and drink as many mimosas as humanly possible. Mission accomplished btw.
My car died. Ironic, huh? I need a new battery. I obviously also need a new heart,energy, will, hope and drive “to keep at it” batteries…
Finally now mom is headed to Sardinia as planned. She was supposed to see you… alive. I got angry at you for cheating mom and yourself out of one last time together. Why couldn’t you have waited until she left Italy to die? It was only a couple of days away. You were both so excited about your reunion. Why did you do that to her? Couldn’t you have been fair with her just this one and last time?
6/3/2019
We made it public on Facebook. Other people now know you died.
My friend Raul cheered me up by taking me to an event for our new favorite show “Dead to Me” which is so incredibly ironic since it’s about loss and grieving and how differently people deal with them. I kid you not, I was meant to watch the season a couple of weeks ago and be there tonight. It’s been very inspirational and I really identify with it.
I told a famous actress you died. She stars on the show and her name is Linda Cardinelli. Italian name… coincidence? Either way, she was such a sweetheart but I totally freaked her out. So I ended up consoling her. I just bluntly told her about your very recent passing, which thanks in part to the series and their amazing message regarding everyone grieving differently, I am sort of doing well and not ashamed of it. I felt that I needed to tell her that her work is truly appreciated by me, especially during this time. She was so incredibly touched. We had a beautiful moment. Our brief convo really affected her. I didn’t mean to upset her or feel sorry for me. So I apologized profusely and insisted on being grateful to her and her work. She understood. Oh and Linda did give me the nicest hug. You know at this point I really need hugs.
I am getting much closer to Michelle, my sister-in-law. I thank you so much for that. You made that happen. She’s been great to my brother and me during these hard times.
6/4/2019
Been good about responding to messages about condolences. It’s nice to know people care. A lot of people from PR, DR and Italy cared a lot about you and I love being told that.
I have been really positive about everything. I’m only saying and remembering very nice things 🙂
I tried to use you to get a new car battery. Failed.
But I finally got my hair done! Took from 10:30am-6:30pm and I thought about you the entire time.
After that, I met with a very important executive from London for drinks and I talked a lot about you. I was calm and collected though so no worries.
Then I went out with my buddy Perrin who also lost his dad. I discovered he doesn’t wanna talk about this topic.
I partied a lot tonight. I made a cool friend. Surrounded myself with great people and had amazing conversations. I needed that.
6/5/2019
I went to work. Had a great day there. I felt productive.
Songs have a different meaning now. During my drives, I hope you noticed how much I sing to you. Since, admittedly you were not the greatest dad, some songs are sweet and loving but some angry ones also apply.
Not all is about you now… I started being bitter towards people who don’t care about what I’m going through. Family and close friends have disappointed me. Please help me forgive them and look past it.
6/6/2019
Last night was the first night I slept more than 3hrs. It was nice. I told my brother and he said the same.
Today it became real. It hit me really hard that you are gone. OMFG. Sucks!!
I cried a lot. I was a wreck.
Took a nice walk with my friend Cassy tonight which helped me.
Yet, I came back home and cried a lot more all night long. So I messaged mom to call me.
6/7/2019
Yesterday was so hard I needed my mom. Spent the entire morning talking to her from like midnight to early morning. I needed that. I didn’t sleep but I healed emotionally a lot.
Told mom that I couldn’t keep seeing her photos in Sardegna with the family. All your siblings and the rest of the family look happy in the photos with mom. I didn’t take that well. We also talked about so many other important things. I truly needed that special mom time and comfort, even if it was over the phone with me in LA and her in your homeland.
I asked mom and zio Antonello to get me something of yours to have. I don’t have anything of yours, not a gift or anything that belonged to you and I really want something, a pen, a note, anything!
Had a phone job interview. Went well! Cross your fingers for me!!
Talked to our family in Italy. Got to chat with Angela Rosa, Antonello, Isa, Francesca and Simona. It was bittersweet.
Had a fight with my friend/boss, Joan. She kept telling me to stay home to mourn and all I want is to be distracted. I hate that people want to tell me how to feel and how to deal with grief.
6/8/2019
I told my good friend Bryant to go to hell. He sent me a stupid text saying I owed him money. I exploded since he hasn’t even reached out to offer condolences and we are super close. Well after today, we were super close. I’m done with fake friendships that disappear during hard times.
I cried and slept all day. Sleeping is better than being awake right now.
I’m mad I have not had a single dream about you. I’m also mad at you for not leaving me a single penny. I really need money right now. I’ve come to expect you not to help financially but still in death things could have potentially been different…
6/9/2019
All freaking reality TV shows I love and watch to escape my reality made some sort of reference that reminded me of you and I balled so many times.
I cried and slept a lot again today.
Sadly my brother has been ignoring me. But I’m happy some of my friends reached out to me.
Finally I decided to get my ass up and went to see my friend Raul to do our weekly rituals of sushi and 99c store. It was nice. Had a great time. His attention and way of caring about how I’m doing are priceless to me. This I’ll never forget.
Music keeps popping up on my playlists that only speak to me about you. Why?
For the past week I’ve been debating whether or not to become 100% sober. I haven’t had a drink since Tuesday and I am craving one… I can’t sleep again. Thinking a lot about my depression and how I might like alcohol too much when I need to numb pain and reality… like you did. I will give it some serious thought. Can you help me? Is that why you drank so much? Were you in that much pain?
6/10/2019
Doing better. Feel bad about mom though. She’s about to break. I feel it…
New week, new outlook on life, I hope!! Please help me be positive again.
Even though I quit my job on Friday, I’m going to the office. My friend/boss Joan doesn’t want me to quit although she really hurt me on Friday and I’m tired of her horrible behavior towards me. Let’s see how it goes today. I will keep you updated.
Office went well. Made up with my friend and we were pretty productive. She gave me a great hug this morning. It was pretty epic. I needed a hug like that.
Neus called me from Barcelona. She said very nice things about you. I’m loving hearing these types of things. As you might remember she’s hilarious and made me laugh so freaking hard. She is also so remarkably positive and uplifting that I actually felt bad about the fact that she believes in me more than I believe in myself these days. I know that is sad to say but it’s unfortunately the truth. On a good note, she’s offered to read my cards and I’m super duper excited about that. Tentatively we are scheduled to do that tomorrow.
I got to work early since as you know I haven’t been sleeping well. It was a good move cause I didn’t get much traffic and was able to leave early to have drinks with my ex and dear friend Frank. He’s a fun guy. He also cares about me. He had proven that for the past 12 years. I could use a pick me up.
It took me almost 2hrs to get to the bar. I didn’t listen to music for most of my commute. I got tired of identifying most songs with you or not being able to enjoy my usual faves. Needless to say I did a whole lot of thinking.
I got to the pub early and had a chance to write to you some more. I’m really looking forward to writing to you more and more.
I had an awesome time with Frank and for the first time I let someone read our diary. He was very touched by it. I hope you are too. After all, it really is for you and me. We talked a lot about you, my struggles with depression and anxiety, my fear of losing my bond with mama and my brother and how hard the past 10 days have been.
My dear friend Ingrid who has been checking up on me showed up and made my night even better. Then I made a really inappropriate joke about your death in front of the bartender and she almost threw us out of the place. Seriously? I’m obviously a sarcastic person and my friends love my sense of humor. They obviously got and enjoyed my joke but that stupid narrow minded bartender didn’t. I bet you would have also enjoyed my dark humor. Right?
Ingrid is an angel. She truly cares about me. She was a hardcore friend to me tonight. Ingrid and her boyfriend Efrain (both Puerto Rican too) drove me home after that bartender was after me for no reason. Did I mention Ingrid was Miss Puerto Rico? I bet you would drool all over if you met her. Lol. But in all honesty she is worth more than all the gold in the world when it comes to being an incredible person and friend.
Had a horrible rest of the night. All I wanted was to drink to get rid of the pain. Instead I tried calling mom, Neus and my cousin Tanya. No one answered. I was in a lot of pain. Passed out crying.
PS I still have not been able to throw away the Starbucks cup I got the day you died. When I got that coffee I still had a dad. It’s the last thing I have that connects me to you being alive. Is that weird?
6/11/19
Woke up feeling embarrassed about my behavior last night and also crying. I’m writing this after taking a shower instead of getting dressed. I can’t seem to stop crying. Writing you helped before so I thought it would help now. Why is it not working though? I’m crying even more. Gonna stop writing and try to get my shit together.
Oh speaking of shit… I had 2 day old sushi for breakfast. Guess I’m making very poor decisions lately. I’m expecting to get food poisoning.
Driving to work I got very angry when I heard a song called “Praying” from Kesha. I heard it over and over and over again thinking that it kinda fit you. I’m very sad that I dedicated such an angry and negative song to you. I honestly don’t want to be angry or negative towards you at all. That was strange. Really I don’t hate or resent you. On the contrary, I love, forgive and accept you 100%. I have for 2 decades now.
Got to the office around 2pm and spent the afternoon with my friend’s tiny adorable puppy named Winnie. It was insanely cute!! We bonded immediately and she didn’t want to leave my side. I got so much love from that puppy that I’m pretty smitten and grateful.
Since I got no work done because Winnie had me busy until her mommy left with her around 6:30pm, I stayed there catching up till 12:15am. I was productive but distracted and jittery.
Finally my brother called me today. I need my brother. I truly wanted to chat with him. I know his life is very complicated and busy but we are trying to see if we can hang out for a couple of days in NYC mid July. Fingers crossed!!
Oh and also I got a call from Carlitos today and it was amazeballs to get to catch up with him and talk about our trip to Serdegna together many years ago to see you. He’s my only friend that met and actually knew you. We reminisced about you, the trip, all the amazing food, the family, and our friendship in general. He also sent me a bunch of cool photos from Escalaplano of you, Nona, Nono, Antonello, my brother and me. I looked so skinny, young, confident, ambitious and beautiful that it made me a little sad and self conscious to see that version of me I truly loved and not only had a dad but also had the world at her feet. I feel like shit thinking about what she would say about this crappy version of her that I have become. I don’t wanna disappoint her but she would be mortified to see me today. Anyway I’m gonna work much harder on myself to get back on track and love myself again. Please help me with this!!!
On another topic… Thankfully no diarrhea or food poisoning from the sushi yet. That’s a relief!
It’s now 2:30am and I cannot sleep again. I’m not only thinking about you a lot but I’m stressed out about other stuff. I’m going through the worst period of my life so far so your timing for dying was beyond inconvenient and horrible for me. Good for you that you got to end your pain and suffering but terrible for me that at my lowest you added this to my plate. I was hanging on by a thread and then this happened. I don’t know how I’m finding strength but somehow I’m still standing. I’m still standing. I’m shockingly still standing. Wow! I’m proud of myself for it. Just realizing it gave me a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. I’m proud of myself for not being completely defeated despite it all. Yay me!
6/12/19
I’M EXHAUSTED!!
6/13/19
Shitshow… where do I begin?
We’re making a list of all that’s priority and MUST be done. Whether you like it or not, I’m enlisting you here. I definitely can use your help and I’m now officially convinced that the only reason I’m still standing is YOU. xoxo
6/14/19
Life REALLY SUCKS but I’m gonna fight!
It’s Netflix night with my close buddy Raul! That cheered me up.
7/2/19
1:30am – And it finally arrived… regret day. I’m balling as I listen to songs that actually and vividly 100% say what I’m feeling. “One Sweet Day” from Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men and “Hurt” from Christina Aguillera are spot on.
Those dozens of others I hear on a daily basis that I want to identify with and tell you about every day are reality. No, I do not feel at peace with your passing. I don’t feel I really got closure. I slowly but surely dug through my bullshit and positive fasade. “If You Could See Me Now” (The Script) has very little to no resemblance to the truth. If you were here with me, no, you would not be proud of me. I don’t miss you because I had you and you were a great dad. I miss you because I simply have always missed you my entire life and I am devastated about the fact that although I thought I did enough, I could have done so much more. Those songs from Kelly Clarkson, The Script, Miranda Lambert, Pink etc etc etc etc… are great but my desire to identify with them was greater than the connection I had to them in reality. I am not happy all was said before you left. I obviously don’t thank or admire you for being an amazing father. Your death did not caught me completely by surprise. I’ve been mentally and emotionally trying to prepare for it for years. Oh and newsflash, I failed miserably. I could have NEVER EVER done anything to prepare for this. So “Who Knew” from Pink is out the window completely. I (kinda) did know and was working towards closure and peace and unity while you were still here.
Can you believe Tanya, one of my only two cousins I thought I was still close and loving with, just had the audacity of insinuating it’s karma like “I get what I give” after I told her that no one from the PR family (BLOOD-RELATED cousins and their spouses and children, plus my only living aunt, titi Aida, and uncle, tio Ricardo) who were the people I grew up with so darn close have had the decency, aside from like I just said, her and her brother Xavier, to grab a fucking phone and call???? I got one shitty text on Father’s Day from tio Ricardo and another shitty text from Ricardito like almost a week after you died. Whatever. I was not expecting shit. BUT it still hurts.
7/19/19
I hate you. Had a nasty messenger conversation with my wonderful uncle Antonello and the bestest brother you certainly didn’t deserve. He accused my brother and me of killing you because he says you died of a broken heart. FUCK THAT!!!!!! You know darn well I loved, accepted and forgave you a very long time ago. In fact since 2016, thanks to your bartender Cristina I’ve been trying to make sure you know we don’t hold anything against you and chose to see the positive because our lives turned out well. I tried so hard for the past 3 years to make you understand that but your brother totally messed me up with that. I’m in San Diego at Comic-Con trying to have a good time with my bestie Raul and staying at Charlie and Danny’s…. And your delusional brother who up until today I loved and admired, totally destroyed me. I did NOT kill you, Papi. You chose to let life and guilt kill you. I absolutely adored you. And I certainly did not want you to die. WTF?!?!
6/17/20
A year has passed without you. I’m okay. Don’t worry. Today I found out JLo did 5 callbacks before she even did a screen test for “Selena”. I am not a fan of hers but I highly respect her. That lady’s professional drive is insane. I actually don’t look up to her as a person or as an artist yet I admire her immensely as an entrepreneur and business woman.
Finding out that her breakthrough gig took her 5 callbacks, before she even went before a camera, hit me like a brick wall. I have no idea how or why exactly but it 100% got to me. She is someone who I have always known has literally zero talent or charm or heart. But without a doubt she has had the most incredible career/life. Only because of her hard work, determination, sweat and tears, she has accomplished all that she has. That woman has earned every single thing she has going for her. I truly admire that.
Did you have something to do with me becoming so darn inspired by this? I think we’ve hit a breakthrough. I somehow suspect that you had a hand in this. You know how depressed I’ve been in the past 2 to 3 years by now… So the fact that something inspired and lifted me up, just like YOU did when I had to be strong last year, makes me feel you are still with me. Yeah, I definitely know you’ve never left my side.
Thanks for being such an amazing dad after life! I love and miss you sooooooooooo much. But throughout this past year, I feel stronger and literally being lifted up. Is that you? No, don’t answer. I’d like to stay with this theory. You are incredible! Gracias, Papi!!!
9/1/21
Two years and change have passed without you. I got a new job I LOVE, I started my own company, I am between Los Angeles and Puerto Rico… All is awesome. But the most awesome of all is that I received the most wonderful gift ever! Mom sent me photos of my 1st birthday and you were so in love with me on those photos that I felt incredible happiness when I saw you and me. I felt your love. You truly and deeply were smitten by me and I was then and will always be your baby girl. I never have to wonder how much you loved me anymore. I am so relieved and filled with joy to have seen it with my own eyes. The way you looked at me on my 1st birthday is the same way you looked at me when I got food poisoning in Sardinia when I was 20 years old and you took such sweet care of me. It was the same love I’ve always wanted from you and have had ALL ALONG. THANK YOU!
PS I LOVE YOU TRULY & DEEPLY TOO
Aida Murgia is a TV producer and executive turned immigration advocate and purposeful content creator, Aida has found inner peace, a powerful voice, and self-acceptance throughout her years of ups and downs. After a life of traveling the world, she now lives, works and plays bouncing between her beloved self-appointed home, Los Angeles, her hometown, Puerto Rico, and her favorite city, New York. Since becoming an accomplished producer and professional, she left her workaholic ways in the past to balance her career alongside being an actively present, loving, and grateful daughter, sister, friend and activist.