I’ve been thinking a lot about cheating and how cheaters have survived through the pandemic. Apparently, it didn’t hamper any of them. Recently, I was talking to a friend who was recently cheated on. Again. Yes, even through a pandemic.
He had begged and pleaded for her to take him back. Apologized. Sent flowers. Talked to her friends. Acknowledged that he had demons and issues and promised he would work on them.
She swallowed her pride. Put her ego aside. Recognized that everyone makes mistakes herself included and decided to make it work. She recognized that to make it work she would have to work at rebuilding the trust again. No snooping. No throwing the indiscretion in his face every time she felt insecure.
They began to rebuild the relationship. And everything was great. Of course, this was all happening during the holidays – which is after all the most wonderful time of the year. LOL. Things were going great and they were finally talking about taking the relationship to the next level – living together.
And then one day, she caught him again. This time it was sexting. Yes. She snooped. Considering the extent and drama around the first infidelity, she did pretty good snooping just twice. Anyway, he says it was only sexting. Only? He hadn’t seen her or hooked up with her. He was just talking “shit?” What? Huh?
But I mean isn’t sexting the same as cheating. I mean please enlighten me. And did he not have sex with her because he got caught? What was the purpose of the sexting? What is the end goal? Isn’t it to get hot and heavy and then have sex?
Let’s talk about sexting.
Sexting defined is to send (someone) sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone.
(“older teens are more likely to engage in sexting than their younger counterparts”) Read that again, “older teens?” not grown adults apparently. Hmmm.
“Sexting is actually most likely to occur within a committed relationship.”
“Now that Melissa had evidence, her husband immediately changed his tune: I don’t know why I do these things. I love you. He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong, because he’d had no physical contact with the other woman. But for Melissa, it didn’t matter whether he’d actually followed through with his graphic messages. He’d still lost her trust. She decided to file for divorce, a process she’s still going through today. Melissa said the text messages were what drove her to dissolve the marriage.”
“Sexting becomes adultery when one person in the relationship does it without consent from a partner and without concern for how he or she will feel about it. Concealing a relationship outside of the primary one means that lying and hiding are involved, and at the moment, there is very little, if any, regard for how the other person will feel about that outside relationship. The lying and secrecy associated online affairs will destroy a couple’s trust and commitment. Trust is sacred in any relationship, and once that trust is broken, it is hard to repair.”
Why do people sext? Well the internet listed many reasons. This guy told his girl that whenever she left him alone, he felt lonely—- um ok. Most people feel lonely and they read a book, watch TV, go out with friends. Nope. Not this guy. He sexts or cheats. Go figure.
People sext out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, the excitement of doing it and not getting caught, or even possibly getting caught and the drama that comes with that. A need to feel desired and wanted. And sometimes plain ‘ole “sin vergüenzeria” that’s Spanish basically for no shame in his/her game. Just don’t give a f*@K!
And this is all well and good if both parties are aware of it, but when it involves lying, it takes on a whole other meaning – cheating. And, of course it means different things to the parties involved. For the person that catches it, it is hurtful. For the person doing it, it might mean nothing at all. Like this guy. “I was just talking BS”. “I was bored”. “It doesn’t mean anything”.
He says he wasn’t cheating, but I get to differ. Especially coming on the heels of the first incident.
So, is sexting cheating? I say yes. You all can chime in. l say anything that is done without your partner’s consent or something you would not be okay with having your partner do- whether it’s just words or illicit pictures is cheating.
If you have to hide it, it’s cheating. If you have to go out of your way to put your phone on airplane mode, delete messages, give fake names to contacts, it’s cheating. Anything that you would not be okay with your partner doing is cheating.
Listen everyone gets bored. Everyone gets lonely at times. Everyone loves the excitement of a new relationship. People love the thrill of sneaking around and or even getting caught. Some people LOVE THE THRILL.
But the question is at what expense? Is it even worth it? Is it worth the pain that it caused. The extended relationships that are broken. Having people take sides. And if you’re looking to fill some hole in the relationship then maybe they are not the one. And instead of breaking someone’s heart, stepping up and being truthful would be a better choice.
Or how about this why don’t you sext with your partner. Build excitement. Keep things spicy and avoiding all the fall out of a relationship ending.
Remember the grass is green where you water.
I am a 50-year old Latina divorcee who has been on a spiritual journey for, yikes, a really long time. Though I am not where I want to be, each day I do get closer to who I am meant to me.
I co-raised two young ladies and am a grandmother of two spunky, smart and funny kids – Max and Esme.
Education has been my niche for the last 20 years and I don’t know why. I wish someone had given me a career survey in high school or college to realize that #1- I am NOT a morning person and #2- I don’t really like kids, not even my own. So, I am searching for my passion. Not sure what that is yet. But there are a few things I am exploring, writing being one of them (that’s why I am here).
I have issues with commitment, not so much relationships but committing to my goals, putting in the work and seeing things through. But I did commit to making my 50’s the best decade ever. So far so good. I love yoga, traveling and writing; but mostly wine. Yes! I love wine.