Have you ever just sat around aimlessly thinking about some crazy thing you saw on a tv show or movie and wish you could have that in real life?

I know I’m not the only loser that has thought about this. I mean every group of women thinks they should make a shitty housewives show about them and their crew. One tidbit here people – exciting you are not.

Now, I’m also not talking about being utterly talentless and making millions like Jennifer Anniston or Kate Hudson. Nor am I talking about making a light saber and carrying on your belt buckle. It’s simple stuff.

Here are a few examples that I wish I could have in my life that I feel would make everything easier:
#1: The bat spray. You remember that right before Batman would get to the Bat Cave and there was someone in the car with him, he would whip out the bat spray, and boom they pass out and wake up like 15 minutes later like nothing ever happened. I need this fuckin stuff in my life. Come on now people you can’t tell me that there hasn’t been a moment in the last week, shit last 24 damn hours, where you didn’t want to bat spray someone??? Man, some people annoy me so much I wish there was fuckin Facebook bat spray. Also, if they ever made bat spray, invest in this company’s stock because my wife will be buying a ton of this shit. 

#2: I wish I had the power of telekinesis.  For those five morons out there who have never seen a Star Wars movie, telekinesis is the ability to lift, move, and otherwise manipulate physical matter in a variety of ways, all while using the power of the force. 

Now, I’m not talking about moving ships or removing clothes off strangers on the street here, I’m thinking more like moving the remote when it’s on the fireplace mantle, and you just sat down to relax. Another case would be when you are on the couch, and you left your beer at the dinner table. 

Think about this. You are sitting on the couch, you want your beer. You’re tired, you don’t want to get up. All of the sudden, you stare at your beer on the dinner table, it starts floating in the air towards you. The dog is barking and freaking the fuck out. The cat is jumping up after it. It slowly floats down into your hands. Now tell me this…How fucking good is that next sip going to be????

#3: This is really a stretch but why the fuck can’t Elon Musk invent the beam-me-up Scotty transportation system? How many times have you been at, let’s say a friend’s house or family’s house, and you know that you have to drive home? It’s a really shitty feeling. You know you don’t want to do it. Someone can’t drink that night. It sucks.

Now, this device does come with some negatives. Now your in-laws can come at any time. So there has to be some sort of restrictions here. The last thing I want is to be relaxing at my house and the fucking Levine sisters stop by. Trust me no one wants this. Maybe there should be fees involved and codes to accept here. Again… no one wants a Katz drop-in. 

The last rant about this fake world that I see in entertainment that I wish was real is simple life events.  Man, watch any TV show and they make it seem like the legal system in this country is a well-oiled machine. Civil suits are settled in weeks. Court settles in days. 

Sometimes I just wish life was this easy.

Native New Yorker, now living in Connecticut. Husband, and father of two amazing boys. Kidney transplant recipient, and a big supporter of organ donation #donatelife. Mortgage banker, but not by choice. In my free time, I enjoy golf, reading (especially presidential biographies), and finding that hole in the wall restaurant that has great food.

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