There’s nothing like a mother’s love, and I was a blessed young lady to be loved by a woman named Gloria for 17 years. These past few months of quarantine, I’ve been particularly introspective and missing my parents a lot. Not that the proverbial missing ever goes away, but there have been seasons throughout my life where it is heightened. I tend not to question the why, more so allow the moments to exist. Being aware that I’m feeling the longing is usually aligned with simply just wanting my Mom – to hear her voice; to listen to my birth story for the umpteenth time; to seek her council about…marriage, motherhood and life. I assume these to be natural mother and daughter connection points in adulthood. I have no personal context since every parental relationship is unique and I wasn’t quite an adult when she passed. And although she is not physically present, I do from time to time talk to her. In this instance, I decided to write to her.
Dear Mommy
If I took the time to navigate through the process of my life, it is you that first brought me into existence
When I think about the woman that I am, the woman that I’ve become, it was you that helped me channel through all the resistance.
From first steps to first words,
From the first kiss to the first hurt, I recall those youthful moments you were there for me.
I was trippin the other day because I flashed back to the moment when I first heard you say you loved me.
I mean, not that hearing those words was anything new, but it was the way I felt more than anything.
I began to see….
The depth of your wisdom
The extent of your knowledge
The wealth of your experience
The complexity within your soul
The way that you express the dynamics of a situation so clearly, I know now that only my best interests were the true goal.
For real Mommy, I didn’t mean to cause you too much drama during my teen years, you know how it goes…
Clearly that fight with Jasminee didn’t mean much. I mean we’re still friends after all these years and in the thick of the crunch.
How bout that time you told me you didn’t want me to see Ron. Cuz he was “too thugged out”, “not the right element,” “you said he was how old?” “Oh no child, that is way too grown.”
And oh yes, I remember when you caught me smoking the green stuff in my room with the girls.
And coming back from the parties, headed straight to the toilet to hurl.
When I look into the mirror, I see so many parts of you.
My eyes, my skin, my smile-I know that I am beautiful.
I didn’t always feel this confident, walk this tall or hold my head up this high.
There were so many times I was challenged by the images in the mirror, the people around me and made excuses just to get by.
I recognized only after you departed, that as the matriarch of our family you had challenges that were uniquely your own.
I remember the times when Pop and you argued, and especially when he didn’t come home.
You always taught me that life was not always fair and do unto others as I would have them do unto me
Creeping into my 40’s now, I finally see
Through the politics, the uneasiness that comes when you really get to know yourself
I mean truly exercising and acknowledging my spirit at the expense of everything else.
Where did all the time go, the years have moved by so quickly.
From dreaming about my wedding day
To you being the grandma of CMK
Admittedly, you’ve always been my inspiration
Your style – my style, impeccable
You stand like a regal queen
Posture erect
And your walk…
With a grace and poise of confidence, yet a complete sense of mystique.
Your outer beauty always mirrored the inner beauty you possessed
And it’s like you always knew the answer even before the question was asked.
I’ve been feeling like I have so many more questions now based upon everything that you taught me
You haven’t been here physically for more than half my life, but much of the wisdom resides within –
My heart – beats with passion for the truth I seek
My soul – desires for honesty when I meet
Or encounter
A spirit – my own – so innocent, yet so complex
Often it’s been challenging to discern where I fit in the best.
It’s like I feel if you were here things would be – would’ve been so different.
Damn, the woman that I am is because of you – and you’re not even here to see it.
See me – see what could be – could’ve been – can still be
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by the dynamics within me.
Did you ever wonder who you really were or what God’s purpose was for you to be?
I feel as if life kind of stopped for you after you birthed me
Everything you did from that point forward, you had me in mind
When I think about it, it’s unreal how unconditional love really is when you have a child
You gave me life. Sacrificed as my example to follow
How truly blessed I am
As I continue on this journey to master the art of being comfortable in my own skin
That ride has been long and arduous and I pray it will be well worth it in the end
God’s plan is continuously being revealed
In Him, I’ve found a true friend.
When you look down and see the fruits of your labor
I am confident I make you and Daddy proud
I know that I am a reflection of you, and all that a woman’s worth has allowed.
Thank you Mommy for being a superwoman all the years of your life
And for trying to teach me a softer side of vulnerability, not just as my mother, but as a woman and a wife
I take those examples and wear them as medals of strength, honor and courage
With faith based determination you’ve empowered me with the tools to succeed
Lead
Be all that I can be
No one knows you like your mother
I love you mommy – always have – always will
Thank you for blessing me as your daughter.
KK is an energetic storyteller, creative marketer and servant leader with a kaleidoscope of professional pathways in music, print publishing and television. Currently, KK is a marketing executive at a major media company. Faith and family anchor KK’s ambitions, and she believes Luke 12:48 hold true, “from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” KK leverages her gifts, talents and abilities in support of advancing others, particularly in motivating her 9 year old son CMK.
Passionate about education and inclusion, KK is a graduate of New York University with a MS, Integrated Marketing and she supports her undergrad alma-mater Wesleyan University with dual, alumni volunteer leadership roles. As a Trustee on the Oliver Scholars board, preparing high-achieving African-American and Latino students for academic success is a priority. Through her writing and in her relationships, KK continues to unpack and explore life transformations the only way she knows how – with unconditional love, raw honesty and a touch of humor.