1. A stapler works in a super awesome fashion to “hem” one side of your shorts when you have no other clean clothes to choose from and the bus is arriving in 30 seconds. Moms are not really allowed to wear pretty things anyway, so who cares? Maybe people will think I am going for a stylish punk rocker look.
*You will drop your coffee and it will spill all over every imaginable surface of your kitchen in the last 5 seconds before you must leave for the bus.
*You will come back to clean the mess, make new coffee and get the littler children ready for their bus. Your littlest will refuse to get onto the bus, and you will have to drive him.
*You will be halfway to school before you realize that you forgot your coffee.
*You will also realize that your shirt is on inside out and your son is not wearing shoes, but you will only realize this once you park the car and start walking him into the building.
*You will have to go back home.
*He will now be late.
2. It is not always possible to just live in a mess for the greater good of keeping your children mentally and physically active. Some days you just need to tend to the mess. Kids can fry their brains while watching T.V. or playing Roblox until their vision is blurry, if it is for the greater good of being able to get organized so that we can all function better in the long term. Memories can be made later. Memories WILL be made later.
*They need to learn to entertain themselves sometimes.
*You are all out of clean underwear and unless you decide to sculpt a pair out of tinfoil, someone must do the laundry. Fun. Later.
*Your middle child is wearing the same shirt for the past three days. She DOES HAVE clean clothes though because you always make sure to take care of everyone else’s needs before your own. (Hence the no Mommy underwear issue) Despite having a full closet of clean clothes, she will only wear the same three shirts.
*You will need to find those other two shirts and wash them before the current one she is wearing disintegrates.
3. When you finally decide to tackle that messy closet in your child’s bedroom, you will find half eaten, moldy food from months ago despite there being a rule against food being eaten in bedrooms. Inevitably you will finish and feel accomplished for a few fleeting seconds before you realize that your youngest two children are just being WAY TOO QUIET. You will discover that they have been playing hairdresser …… using bottles of sunscreen. As their grand finale they will have unfolded all the laundry and piled it into a mound…. to jump in. They created a game called “Autumn Leaves.” They have been repeatedly hurling their sunscreen laden bodies into your once clean laundry pile. You will now have to wash and fold the laundry all over again.
*You now have no clean underwear again.
*Your middle child will now wear that same dirty, favorite shirt for a fourth day.
*You wanted them to entertain themselves. They did.
4. Children will willingly slather themselves with sunscreen at any inopportune time when it is THEIR OWN IDEA. Sunblock application when it is administered by MOMMY is apparently equal to Mommy plastering children’s bodies with acid.
*They will scream bloody murder, tantrum and squirm
*Inevitably their wriggling will lead to application in an eyeball and you will be the worst Mommy ever. “It burns! You torture me! My eyeball is falling out!”
*Teeth brushing attempts will have the same horrible, tortured response.
5. When you have a blog to write, have major writer’s block and your finished work is due in a few hours, one child will suddenly be feigning sickness. She is “definitely dying and deathly ill.” Anytime she does not notice you are around; she will be so ill that she is hurling herself upside-down on the couches in an Olympics worthy gymnastics routine. (Definitely dying though) Another child will decide that NOW is a good time to sit down with you to discuss all the intricacies of the various types of Lego sets offered in the Mario and Minecraft themes. He will discuss Legos non-stop for an hour, while the other child repeatedly, pretend gags from the next room in between her gymnastic feats.
*You will get nothing written.
*Anytime you begin to have an idea formulate in your head…..you will be interrupted. It is important that you know your daughter’s pinky toe “feels tingly.” It may be falling off.
*Oh….and the dog will decide to pee on the floor for some added fun. Because…..what fun would it be otherwise?
6. You learned in Kindergarten that sharing is caring but that does not have to always apply in Mommy Land. You will not always be able to eat a HOT meal or drink a HOT cup of coffee. If you do manage to sit down for a meal, you can make a bet that suddenly your kid will want to eat whatever is on your plate. You will also never shower or pee alone. Even if you do manage to sneak away and lock the door, someone will always find you and talk your ear off through the closed door while you are just trying to pee in solitude. You may as well enjoy some fringe benefits from this parenting gig.
*It is perfectly acceptable to confiscate the gummy bears that your kid was attempting to sneak as breakfast food ……… only to polish off the bag yourself in the pantry. PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.
*It is also perfectly acceptable to have your own hidden stash of chocolate or ice cream. (The GOOD, expensive kind) Nobody ever needs to know. I certainly will not tell.
*If your kid has made such a mess of their room that you finally give in and clean it, any money or gift cards found are yours to keep. It is an unspoken Mommy rule. You will probably just use it all to buy things FOR THEM anyway.
7. Your old playlist from (B.C. – Before Children) is probably NOT appropriate for children’s ears. You will be attempting to cook dinner one night and think ..… HEY, I should listen to some music! Music. Novel idea. Relaxing even. Or so you think. You will put on some tunes and zone out a little while concentrating on NOT burning the three meals simultaneously being cooked. Unfortunately, it will not be long before the 7-year-old is running around the house yelling “pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy……..CAT! Pussssyyyyyy….CAT! Pusssssyyyyyy”
*Your 14-year-old have a look of utter horror on her face because she was very aware that Mister Anthony Kiedis is NOT AT ALL singing about KITTENS.
*In situations such as the above-mentioned you will be amazed how efficiently you can “pull a MacGyver” at opening a bottle of red wine without a bottle opener.
*You will sit on the floor with the wine bottle wedged between your legs, attempting to pry it open. You will not notice the dog is at the door waiting to go outside. The dog will give up and pee inside. She will pee right into the floor vent for the A/C….while it is blowing at full blast. Your son will ask you why it is raining inside.
That wine may need a straw. It might also be a perfect time to raid that secret stash of chocolate. Seriously……I won’t tell!
Jenn Miele Leslie lives in Woodbridge, CT with her husband, three kids ages 8, 9 and 14 and two bulldogs who like to fart and snore. Originally from Long Island, N.Y. (yes, that IS how you say it – if you’re from there you just understand) she misses being able to find a decent bagel or breakfast sandwich. Once an Art Therapist specializing in working with adults with various developmental disabilities, Jenn now spends her time shuttling her minions to: school; playdates; dance classes and competitions; occupational therapy; coding classes; and what feels like a million additional places, on a daily basis. In her occasional down time, Jenn enjoys photography, painting and an iTunes playlist that boasts way too many 90’s alternative songs.