First off, I want to start by wishing my son, Cameron, a happy birthday. Today is his birthday. So happy birthday to my partner in crime and best buddy. 

So the Strange family decided to take a few road trip vacation’s this summer. This, of course, was my wife’s idea because she doesn’t do any of the driving. Thanks, honey. So, we recently did the all-American summer- long weekend. Here is the dad’s viewpoint of the trip:

The first stop of the season was a quick getaway to Hershey, Pennsylvania. This also turned out to be the three hottest fucking days of the year. I mean, we need to create fucking technology that can predict what the fuck the weather is going to be six months in advance. So, when I make a damn reservation it is not for a god damn heatwave weekend. 

I was a little nervous about the trip because my son Cameron was always a little scared of rides and water slides. We did attend a carnival a few weeks beforehand, and he went on a few rides that his chicken father chose not to go on. The ride out there in the blazing heat wasn’t too bad. They asked if we were almost there after we pulled out of the driveway. 

Cameron and Brady both watched shows on the iPad. It made me have more respect for my mother, I thought how the hell did she take us away every summer and there was nothing in the car to entertain us??? I asked them if they wanted to play a game called how many different states license plates will we see. They ignored me. I said that’s the game I used to play on road trips. Cameron said: “daddy did they even have cars back then?”  Wiseass…

Once we arrived at The Hotel Hershey we had to wait to go to our room. I was starving, so we went to eat. The kids wanted to see the pool so bad. So I took them out there. They somehow managed to sit through lunch, mainly because I had to eat my food like a hungry pack of wolves eats their prey. 
Pretty much all of my worries were gone in about two minutes, Cameron saw the water slides at the pool and immediately wanted to go on them. Now, I have always loved water parks. It gives me a chance to show off my electrifying body for an extended period of time. Ok, we all know that’s a lie. So, we trekked up the stairs and got to the top. I was worried he wouldn’t go down. There are two slides. He says: “race you down”, jumps in and is off. I tried to think of something witty to say to the hot lifeguard but came up empty, so my old body took a few seconds to sit down and go. He was bragging that he won when I finally got down. I didn’t care I was just happy that he was excited to go on the rides. 

Of course, there were fights when Cameron’s “boring parents” wanted to go back to the room after four hours in the pool, and 50 rides down the slide in 110-degree heat.  There was no hope for going to dinner. Cameron wanted to go to the s’mores pit but I said no. In my defense, the s’mores pit was a good 15-20 minute walk, and it was still 95 degrees outside. He wasn’t happy, but I promised that I would take home tomorrow. Funny how kids don’t remember to pick things up or fucking put things away but they fucking remember daddy promising to take them to a shitty s’mores pit in a heatwave. 

On Sunday we took the kids to the amusement park. You can never question my toughness again after I spent seven straight hours in 100+ degree heat, with two kids. I never lost it once. I swear. The one good thing about the heatwave was the park was pretty much empty. You didn’t have to wait on any lines. A true lifesaver. 

Cameron likes to play the ripoff games at any fair/amusement park. I can’t stand them. So, as the day progressed, he asked after every ride. A special thanks to the guy at this one game. He rigged it so we won. By the mid-afternoon when you can wring out your t-shirt like a wet sponge, we finally convinced the kids to leave the park. Brady had to go. As much water as he was drinking, he was dragging ass out there. He was walking like me in the ’90s after drinking all night. 

After all, this time outside my kids now want to go to pool. So we go again and trek up the stairs to that water slide, another 25 times. I’m starting to hate waterslides at this point.  After dinner, Cameron reminds me 50 times that I promised to take him to the s’mores pit. Please, someone, chloroform me at this point. We go. It’s hot.

So we are leaving on Monday. It is still hot. But before we leave we went to the water park. While checking out, I ask the hotel why do they charge $5 for the s’mores pit when it is $850 a night. The lady ignores me.  The water rides were great. The kids were great. I got like 15 compliments on my body. It’s hot as bloody hell. Before we leave we stop to buy chocolate. They had rolo’s and whatchamacallits. I’m in heaven. 

We drive home. Halfway home, we get caught in a monsoon that basically followed us 100 miles home. The kids are complaining that the iPads battery is dead, so my wife in all her wit and wisdom decides to blast kids music. Meanwhile, I can barely see two feet in front of me. The car looks like a garbage dump. As this point, I don’t care. I’m just happy to be going to work the next day.

We have another road trip vacation coming up in August. This time for a week. Pray for me. 

Native New Yorker, now living in Connecticut. Husband, and father of two amazing boys. Kidney transplant recipient, and a big supporter of organ donation #donatelife. Mortgage banker, but not by choice. In my free time, I enjoy golf, reading (especially presidential biographies), and finding that hole in the wall restaurant that has great food.

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