The tears fill in my eyes as I think to myself, what if I start to forget her? And by her, I mean my mom, my angel. I never thought this could happen, I thought it would only get easier as time goes by, but there I was feeling a disconnect from the most important person in my life.
What do I mean by a disconnect? This does not mean forgetting who she was. It means realizing that I am becoming a different person since the last time I saw her, and she isn’t here to grow alongside me, making me feel as if we’re growing apart. I take a deep breath and to help me feel more connected to her, I
One day, I was asked by my aunt, “Does it ever feel like she betrayed you by leaving?” That question is very logical to ask and immediately, I was surprised with myself that I had never felt that way. I’m sure many people who have suffered from loss have felt a betrayal. But after thinking it over, I never had. And when I thought about why, I knew it was because my mom had given me this simple, yet powerful, expression to live by: “Everything happens for a reason”. I’m not angry at her, because why ever it happened, it happened for a reason.
There are moments when I find myself sobbing my eyes out, looking up to the Lord asking, “Why did this happen? Why her? Why so early? Just WHY?!?!?” I think and I think and I think. Until suddenly, almost as if someone had whispered it in my ear, I just think, Because everything happens for a reason. And then, I breathe. I don’t know what the reason is, but I know there’s a reason.
I strongly believe that God has a plan for every single one of us. And why I believe this is because, after everything that I have experienced, there comes a point where you just have to stop asking why and accept it. You just have to accept that it was written in God’s plan, in the universe’s plan, in the plan of whatever God you believe, or you will never find peace. When I sit and ponder of the possible reasons for what I have been through, many things come to my mind. One of them being that after my mom left, a new relationship was able to form. My cousin (who is now more of an aunt to me), Cherry Maggiore, had just gotten divorced when my mom got sick. This means both of our families were going through a huge change at the same time. We all needed each other, and so Cherry was there for us, we were there for her, and a new “family” had begun. Yes, we have always been related, but we were able to create a new connection, a new closeness that is truly special. Ever
And we may never know the true explanations for all the tragedies that have happened to us, all the horrors that happen in the world and everything that is unfair. But we have to believe that something good will come from the bad. That, although it is hard to believe, there is a reason. And so, whenever I feel these ‘disconnects’ from my mom, I have to think of the wonderful gift she has supplied me with. Her little saying is something I will use every day, and every day when think of it, say it or even experience it, it will be the bridge that connects us. She has given me this simple phrase that I will inevitably be using for the rest of my life, in order to find peace. And that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
Liv Mazz, aka The Lone
When not hanging out with her friends, you can find her dancing up a storm at her longtime dance school, running lines to audition for her next